John McCririck’s corpse
A jug of warm ball sweat
The ghost of Saddam Hussein’s cat
Margaret Thatcher’s handbag with a dog-shit inside of it
An army of animatronic Andi Peters’, hell-bent on global destruction
Michael Gove painted green and coked out his tits
This guy Eric I used to know, who was an absolute cunt
A microwave filled with nails and monkey spunk
An owl with a ketamine addiction
That half-a-biscuit you find under the couch six months later that’s covered in your cat’s bum hair
Alcoholic Zombie Jesus
Thanos
A shark with a chainsaw in its mouth that someone has strapped to a shopping trolley and pushed down a hill towards a school playground
The Sooty puppet Matthew Corbet wanks himself off with every night
The Sweep he uses to mop it up
A homeless tramp who enjoys eating Jacob Rees-Mogg’s pubic hair out of a top hat with his bare hands
Your demented grandmother’s beshitted knickers
A gammon sandwich
A box of Sugar Puffs where someone’s drawn a little speech bubble coming from the Honey Monster’s mouth that says, ‘Chocks away, and fuck the poor!’
A waxwork of Jamie Oliver with half its head smashed in that’s filled with angry bees, who all inexplicably have the face of the late Dale Winton
A syphilitic kangaroo that’s been injected with the distilled essence of Gordon Ramsay’s disdain for humanity
A huge manatee
A regular-sized manatee
A sub-atomic manatee that lives in a gunge-tank inside Ann Widdicombe’s vaginal cavity
Ann Widdicombe’s vaginal cavity
A steak-pie glazed with Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease (funny that Widdecombe would lead me to thinking about a mad cow)
A tonne of white dog shit that’s been moulded into the shape of a man
My own ball-bag with YES and NO painted on alternate testicles, with a happy face drawn on my helmet in permanent marker
Nine dead monkeys stitched together to make a hellish monktopus
Death himself, scythe and all, on the basis that he probably wouldn’t enact as many deadly social and economic policies as Boris, because the more people that died the more extra shifts he’d have to put in, and what’s the point of being the man at the top if you actually have to do shit?